Why Men Leave Women

Dear X-ATI Girl,

Thank you for reading my letter.  

I am writing you to ask your opinion on the real reason that men leave women.  I am pondering carefully why men leave young ladies after my seven month courtship ended three weeks ago.  I have done a little research on the library computer, and this is what I have found:

1. Men have a fear of commitment and when they feel the gates of matrimony are closing in, they bolt.

2. Men begin to feel stifled when women focus on them too much.

3. Men feel that the women become the dominate person in the relationship. 

I am not supposed to use the library computer because it does not have any protection for my heart or my eyes, but every Wednesday when I take my younger siblings on our weekly outing I use the library computer to explore subjects such as the one mentioned above. 

At home we only use Character Link when going online.  When I type in “why men leave women” on CharacterQuest, this is the one-line answer the search produces: 

“The number one reason that marriages fail can be directly attributed to women deciding to go to college.” 

Is this true?  My grandmother always told me that men don’t like stupid women.  I was allowed to opt out of all school subjects beyond the 8th grade because my dear mother assures me that every woman should stay dependent on her husband so that she is not tempted to leave her home.  The Internet tells me that men feel stifled when women are too devoted, but Character Link tells me that men leave women because they go to college.  Please help me sort this out before I make any more life decisions.

Very sincerely yours,

Quest for Success in Syracuse

P.S.

Could you also give me your comments/opinions on this book?

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10 Responses to “Why Men Leave Women”

  1. mdiber05 Says:

    I think it is a warning sign when things are said in generalities as truth. “Women should not go to college: “People shouldn’t read too many books” . these are huge generalities and they deny the variety of ways that God has put us together. I think what they come form is that it is probably a good thing if the couple is the same sort of achiever. But that is not a guarantee of anything. It may be they both went to college or it may be that they both have developed something to an equivalent extent. these things may make working a long term relationship go more smoothly, but they are not guarantees of success or failure.

  2. boysmom Says:

    I’m a woman, obviously, but in my opinion a man with any self-respect would want a woman who CHOOSES to stay, not one who is trapped in a position that she HAS to stay in.

    Besides, an educated wife can help a man in a lot of ways, whether doing the books for his business or simply managing the household accounts better, being able to educate and prepare the children for their futures (homeschooling), or just helping them with their homework hurdles, there are a lot of things a well educated woman can do within the home without needing to work outside it that will enrich their family life and/or even save some money by not needing to pay someone to do it for you.

  3. DragonKat Says:

    Hmm, mdiber05, I feel that you’ve missed the point of this post. It’s a well-written piece with a couple of fun themes playing together, but how to make relationships work really isn’t one of those themes.

    First, living in a world where your only access to information is filtered to match a set of criteria supported by your parents is.. well it’s ok when your 10, I suppose, but if you’re old enough to be married off you’re old enough to manage the world of information available to an adult. Hilarious that your “search” resulted in the mantra of so many fundamentalist religious sects: educating women leads to all manner of evil.

    That’s the second fun theme of this post. Educating women. You know why men leave women? They leave because they do not want to be married to that woman. It’s allowed. You should not have to marry someone you don’t want to marry. And no set of rules designed to eliminate the pitfalls of finding your life partner can make one person want to marry another, or can make you not want to marry someone if want to. What those rules CAN do is give everyone false expectations of success (success being marriage, of course).

    Men don’t have a fear of commitment. Men don’t leave when they feel smothered. Men don’t leave dominating women. Men just leave if it’s not the right relationship for them to be in — at least, the SHOULD leave if it’s not right. And women should leave if it’s not right also. One of my biggest issues against courtship is that it first sets a girl up to expect to be led through the process as if she has no mind or sense or feelings – as if there is no hope of her making a right choice against the mighty tide of her hormonal need to love – then it promises that all men are fully in possession of their rational capacities, and if he asks to court he must already be set on her for his wife. As if men are all brain and women are all feeling. Each are both. No rules can fix that. It isn’t meant to be fixed. We each are meant to grow up to be people who can handle the trials and thrills of love and marriage. TO aim for less leaves us all like little children, babies playing house together hoping mom and dad are keeping an eye on us.

  4. mdiber Says:

    I believe I was only addressing where in the world these concepts are generated from, in order to understand why anyone would say such preposterous stuff. Often, very often, people say things out of a reaction to an experience. Sometimes if you listen to the people who say them and where they come from you get a grip on why it is being said. Very often things like this are said out of fear. When we don’t trust God and try to manipulate others to do the things we want them to, we are reacting out of fear.
    You are right . Men leave women because they want to. And vice versa. More often that not it is the sin of selfishness. Not 100% mind you. I would hate to think that someone stayed in an abusive relationship because they read that wrong, but the relationship between a man and a woman is a very intricate thing, and when we don’t get what we want out of it, there is the rush to get out. There is a better way. In our church, we believe the Bible teaches that marriage is holy, it is a relationship that is set apart from other relationships, that God illustrates to us His love for us via the marriage covenant. So it’s not a simple thing to walk in and walk out of. It is also a good thing in the sense that if we watch how God treats his people we have a reference for how women should be treated. He lays down his life for her.
    There may come a time in your relationship when you do not like your husband or wife. I have felt that and I have friends who have felt that and if you don’t stick it out “for better or for worse” you don’t get to the other side where the marriage is deeper. So staying together has to be larger than if you want to or not or whether it suits you or not at certain point in your life. Well, I am sure this is not comprehensive, but it is a little farther into this discussion!

  5. Heidi Sandoval Says:

    Reply to mdiber: I did stay in an abusive relationship for longer than I would have if I had not swallowed so much of Gothards teaching. At first I stayed because it would be “wrong” to leave. And then I stayed because even though I desperately wanted to leave I would be “condemned to singleness” forever after. Mr. G pressures young people to vow to never marry a divorced person. This was too much for me to face. (I now know many people who are happy in their second marriage. God is good!)

    Reading the post from both mdiber and DragonKat I can see another area of my thinking that has ATI cobwebs on it. (and I thought I was past all that already!) This is the result of being in a cult. There are sometimes long residual effects.

    • Robin Garrett Says:

      You go, Heidi! I did the same thing (abusive relationship) and for the same reasons you did. It wasn’t until I found a Christian web-site on true fidelity in marriage (fidelity does not have to be sexual only) that I realized that my ex-husband’s abusive treatment of me was completely not honoring his marriage vows or the marriage covenant. I can’t describe the sense of freedom and joy I gained that day, but I bet you can relate!

  6. mdiber Says:

    To Heidi and all: A lot of truth gets laced in with lies, so that it gets confusing when you really want to do what is right. So I might say some of the things that Mr. G. said, but to a different purpose. I never realized how invasive Mr. G was until I started reading this blog. I have always kind of had a “prove it to me” attitude, sometimes to good ends and sometimes to bad. remember that God never lets any of us have it all., esp. just one person. We need to listen to one another.

  7. Brandin Burns Says:

    Heidi Sandoval hit the nail on the head, “There are sometimes long residual effects.” I thiank God that I have been able to shake off most of the cobwebs now, 10 years after my last ATI brainwashing (life focus).

  8. Robin Garrett Says:

    Hmm, I guess I got it backwards: I got divorced and THEN went to college…mostly because my ex-husband (who spent 8 years demanding that I come back to him) flatly refused to “finance [my] immoral living situation” (ie: without him) by paying child support. I spent one summer trying to raise the kids on a waitressing salary (the only job skill I had) before I started checking out college careers. I’m currently working on a Master’s in Counseling Psychology. 🙂

  9. Esbee Says:

    this may seem out of context but please read through and see if there is any correlation in ATI families and the following–

    I am a school teacher. We had a seminar on how to understand students due to their socio-economic background, especially children from poverty.

    People in poverty mostly do NOT want their children to go to college or better themselves because if they do they may leave the fold and one thing poverty needs is all the others in poverty with them. They often use guilt to keep a child back saying things like ” you think you are better than us, now that you got an education?”

    Once the prison of poverty is escaped and a child does better, has more, keeps a job, follows morals and cultural laws, those left behind have no one to help them in their poverty. It is also poverty of spirit, mind besides physical poverty. Poverty is also deeply rooted in fear.

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